Waiting for the Stars
It’s crazy how one year can have some of the highest highs and lowest lows. 2017 was a year of growth, new friends, surprises, transitions, tears that brought me to my knees, laughter that brought me to the floor, and so much more. Although last year was a bit of a roller coaster, it was one of those years where you know you’re fully alive. At times it felt messy and as though I was stumbling from one thing to the next. Somehow through it all I had peace; peace knowing that the Lord still had me in His hands.
We never wish for the lowest points of our lives, but it’s often from those times that we learn the most about ourselves and can spur us on to life’s highest peaks. During tough times it can seem a lot easier to coast through or avoid pain rather than deal with the heartache that life can bring. Yes coasting would be easier, but that’s also when we become numb, not only to life’s desert seasons but also numb to the peaks. Being numb is essentially going through life without feeling. I don’t know about you, but I would much rather experience the full spectrum of emotions that come with life’s ups and downs, instead of becoming numb to it all.
For me, it isn’t difficult to truly get the most out of the mountaintop experiences, but what does it look like to get the most out of the desert or wilderness seasons? How do we not rush out of darker seasons, but also not sulk in them forever? These are questions I have been trying tackle these last few months.
Someone once told me, “when you find yourself in a darker season, just wait in it long enough for the stars to come out.” Whoa. Mind blown. When I was younger (and maybe even still a little now), I was afraid of the dark. Yes, nighttime brings darkness, unknowns, and sometimes worries, but it also brings the stars. I have found that the stars represent so much beauty, hope, unknowns, mystery, and joy in such a sea of darkness.
I have been reading a book that makes connections between the Israelites wandering in the desert to our own desert seasons. There were many times that the Israelites questioned the Lord and His purpose with them spending so much time in such a dry and desolate place. They even at one point thought that Egypt, the place where they ran from, seemed much more appealing then the wilderness they currently were in. I’m sure it felt like an incredibly dark season for them, but being that far into the desert, just think of how bright the stars must have been.
In desert seasons, it can feel lonely even when there are wonderful people surrounding us. This last Thanksgiving was a tough one for me. Since I had planned a trip home to Washington to visit my family for Christmas, I couldn’t work it out to go home for Thanksgiving too. I was so thankful to spend the afternoon with my friends and their family, eating some amazing food. It was such a sweet day yet my heart ached at the same time. I left my friends’ house early evening and was just planning to go back to a quiet house (with most of my roommates out of town) and watch Netflix with some wine. Although I enjoy doing that, it wasn’t as appealing when my heart was all out of sorts. I definitely could have stuffed down the tears and go straight to binge watching my favorite shows, but instead I felt lead to drive further past my house. It lead me to a gravel road where there weren’t any houses or cars in sight. So why was it that I drove into an area even more isolated when I was already feeling lonely? I was actually asking the Lord that same question. I parked my car and stepped outside. It was hard coming up with words to pray at that moment, so I just looked up. And that’s where I saw the stars brighter than I had seen in a long time. I left that spot thanking the Lord. No, I didn’t have all the answers and solutions to all of life’s problems, but I had hope. Hope for what is to come.
In wilderness seasons we can often try to rush out of the uncomortable, or we can seek shelter and want to hide from and avoid whatever life is throwing at us. But in these darker seasons, what would it look like to just step outside our hiding place, to drive a little further down the road, to stop running, and to just look up at the stars? It’s going to be a lifelong journey to answer these questions, but in the meantime I will keep waiting for the stars.
